So far, it had been fairly easy but I could feel things starting to turn. My diet had quickly transitioned from whatever I wanted to mostly liquid to 100% liquid. The "sun burn" on my neck had gotten worse to the point that I had two spots on my collarbone that were actually open sores that needed treatment separately. One big positive, I was told I would stop making spit and would need to use synthetic saliva for the rest of my life and that was not happening. For whatever reason, not only was I making saliva but making it in such volume that the surplus was becoming a problem. I had never thrown up due to nausea from chemo, but getting sick while trying to eat while dealing with the saliva issue had become pretty common.
My mom was staying with me while Robin was in California. I was incredibly torn about this. On the one hand, she has obviously known me all my life so it would be hard to imagine a situation where she couldn't help me. On the other hand, I felt about her much the same way I felt about the twins. She had a mental image of who I am and I already did not look anything like the old me. There were a lot of people I would wish had not seen me during a 3-4 week period. It was not pretty. I could not have done it without her. It is that simple.
I guess I needed some cheering up (more on that in a minute) because the running gag was calling me a superhero, really any superhero as long as he wore a mask (get it?). This had gone on a couple of days and found it's way onto Facebook. Sister-in-law St. Beck is on Facebook and sent me a message "Your wife's name is Robin. Duh.... You're Batman." That one stuck. Next thing you know I am getting all sorts of Batman stuff via Facebook and email. It worked, I thought it was pretty funny.
Now about the cheering up... I had received an amazing gift from my neice that to this day takes my breathe away every time I think about it. I was sharing the story with T during my weekly blood draw and got pretty choked up. Anyone who knows me knows I am a pretty emotional guy. I certainly didn't think it was a big deal, I mean it was an awesome story. T gets quiet and says, "You need some help." I then got a sales pitch for anti-depressants. I was 100%, dead set against it. I didn't already have an opinion, I just didn't think I needed them. It turns out it was a discussion that should have already taken place. One of the things about the cancer fight that I was not prepared for was the relentlessness of it. Once again, I was having a fairly easy time of things but anything that was starting to bother me (sore throat, trouble swallowing, etc.) bothered me constantly. There was never a time to regroup. I was doing OK at fighting back but it was obviously starting to wear me down and it would get worse before it got better. Deb got involved at this point and also asked me what pain meds I was taking. "Pain meds?" Apparently this was another conversation that should have already taken place. I wasn't taking anything. She prescribed Fentanyl patches each of which last 3 days.
Immediately, the pain meds changed the game. Most of my puking was from choking on excess saliva while eating. It would start with what I can best describe as a muscle spasm that would continue until there was nothing left to puke. Sorry for that but I couldn't come up with a sexier way of saying it. Anyway, the pain meds stopped the spasms and while I did continue to get sick every now and then it wasn't nearly as bad. There was also some comedy involved. Fentanyl is some really cool stuff. Sometimes, I would blink and when my eyes opened people would have moved and they were usually laughing. Robin would tell me later she could see it in my eyes and tell everyone in the room, "He's gone. He will be back in a minute." It is some powerful stuff.
I read the side effects of the anti-depressant they wanted me on and said uh-uh. There are some things that are very important to me and this drug and many like it mess with those things. Not happening. In what could best be described as an intervention, several of my loved ones made it very clear to me that I needed to do whatever it takes to get through treatment and then deal with whatever is left after that. I relented and even though it was subtle, felt better almost immediately. It was the right call. By the way, the list of side effects was accurate. I would have to get to that later.
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